The first decade of my life was spent in a small town where the largest industry was horse-studding. Yes, the economy of my place of birth relied on getting horses to have sex with each other. Hey lady horses, do you know how those things are hung? What’s the freakin’ problem?
Because of this industry, the town was absolutely nuts about horses. Every May, it would hold an event of equine celebration called Horse Week, which involved things like a parade down the main street and an art competition for school kids. Do you know how hard it is to draw a horse? They have stupid faces, skinny, spindly legs, and voluminous bodies with a bit too much horse. The result of all this nonsense is that I hate horses.
Evil Horses from History include: Black Beauty, Furious D., The Four Horses of the Apocalypse, Hitler’s Horse, The Horse with No Name, The Denver Broncos, Flicka, Silver, the horse whose head ended up in bed with Jack Woltz in The Godfather, Seabiscuit, the horse from The Horse and His Boy, the horses that ate each other in Macbeth, Henry the Horse, The Trojan Horse.
A Horse I Have No Opinion On: Mr. Ed.
The Worst Piece in Chess Is: The Knight.
But even though horses are terrible and compete in pointless races and are a little too likely to end up on your plate in France, there have been the occasional good horses. Following is a brief list:
1. Pie-Oh-My
Didn’t actually do much apart from stir up Tony Soprano’s sensitive side and win some money for the mob, but Pie-Oh-My did inadvertently cause Ralphie Cifaretto to get whacked, for which we are all grateful.
2. Princess Sparkle
Summer Roberts’ My Little Pony. Fun Facts About Princess Sparkle: She has really shiny hair, which causes her to be confused for Marissa Cooper.
Special mention: Captain Oats.
3. Ponyboy
A down-on-his-luck greaser kid with a switchblade knife who liked staying gold. Probably listens to a lot of Bon Jovi.
4. An Horse
Duo from Brisbane whose debut album Rearrange Beds is one of the best records of the year. Listen to their song “Camp Out.”
5. Boxer
The loyal, hard-working proletariat hero of George Orwell’s Animal Farm, who committed himself to the betterment of his farm and was rewarded with a trip to the glue factory. This shows the evils of communism; if Animal Farm had been run as a capitalist enterprise, Boxer would have been an entrepreneur who would have started a business out of his stable selling personal computers.
6. “Pony” by Ginuwine
Great things about “Pony” by Ginuwine: 1. It’s a ’90s R&B classic 2. It’s not a horse.
7. Crazy Horse
Either the dude who kicked General Custer’s ass or Neil Young’s band.
8. Princess
Homer bought Lisa Simpson this pony because with today’s gas prices, how could he afford not to? Princess subsequently became the muse for many songs about a girl and her pony, such as “Wildfire.” Princess was given away/disposed of when Lisa realized that there was a big, dumb animal she loves even more: a hippopotamus. (Hippopotamuses, you may know, were called “river horses” by the ancient Greeks, which says a lot about the ancient Greeks and their capacity to accurately identify horses.)
9. The Horse Richard III offers his kingdom for.
It must have been a pretty awesome horse, right? It probably always came in at 20:1 and always remembered birthdays. I know his kingdom was actually England, and therefore isn’t that great, but still, neither are horses.
10. Phar Lap
Fine. You happy, Australia?
Bonus Horse: Chips Ahoy!
