Posts tagged "television"

Top Ten Horses

The first decade of my life was spent in a small town where the largest industry was horse-studding. Yes, the economy of my place of birth relied on getting horses to have sex with each other. Hey lady horses, do you know how those things are hung? What’s the freakin’ problem?

Because of this industry, the town was absolutely nuts about horses. Every May, it would hold an event of equine celebration called Horse Week, which involved things like a parade down the main street and an art competition for school kids. Do you know how hard it is to draw a horse? They have stupid faces, skinny, spindly legs, and voluminous bodies with a bit too much horse. The result of all this nonsense is that I hate horses.

Evil Horses from History include: Black Beauty, Furious D., The Four Horses of the Apocalypse, Hitler’s Horse, The Horse with No Name, The Denver Broncos, Flicka, Silver, the horse whose head ended up in bed with Jack Woltz in The Godfather, Seabiscuit, the horse from The Horse and His Boy, the horses that ate each other in Macbeth, Henry the Horse, The Trojan Horse.

A Horse I Have No Opinion On: Mr. Ed.

The Worst Piece in Chess Is: The Knight.

But even though horses are terrible and compete in pointless races and are a little too likely to end up on your plate in France, there have been the occasional good horses. Following is a brief list:

1. Pie-Oh-My

Didn’t actually do much apart from stir up Tony Soprano’s sensitive side and win some money for the mob, but Pie-Oh-My did inadvertently cause Ralphie Cifaretto to get whacked, for which we are all grateful.

2. Princess Sparkle

Summer Roberts’ My Little Pony. Fun Facts About Princess Sparkle: She has really shiny hair, which causes her to be confused for Marissa Cooper.

Special mention: Captain Oats.

3. Ponyboy

A down-on-his-luck greaser kid with a switchblade knife who liked staying gold. Probably listens to a lot of Bon Jovi.

4. An Horse

Duo from Brisbane whose debut album Rearrange Beds is one of the best records of the year. Listen to their song “Camp Out.”

5. Boxer

The loyal, hard-working proletariat hero of George Orwell’s Animal Farm, who committed himself to the betterment of his farm and was rewarded with a trip to the glue factory. This shows the evils of communism; if Animal Farm had been run as a capitalist enterprise, Boxer would have been an entrepreneur who would have started a business out of his stable selling personal computers.

6. “Pony” by Ginuwine

Great things about “Pony" by Ginuwine: 1. It’s a ’90s R&B classic 2. It’s not a horse.

7. Crazy Horse

Either the dude who kicked General Custer’s ass or Neil Young’s band.

8. Princess

Homer bought Lisa Simpson this pony because with today’s gas prices, how could he afford not to? Princess subsequently became the muse for many songs about a girl and her pony, such as “Wildfire.” Princess was given away/disposed of when Lisa realized that there was a big, dumb animal she loves even more: a hippopotamus. (Hippopotamuses, you may know, were called “river horses” by the ancient Greeks, which says a lot about the ancient Greeks and their capacity to accurately identify horses.)

9. The Horse Richard III offers his kingdom for.

It must have been a pretty awesome horse, right? It probably always came in at 20:1 and always remembered birthdays. I know his kingdom was actually England, and therefore isn’t that great, but still, neither are horses.

10. Phar Lap

Fine. You happy, Australia?

Bonus Horse: Chips Ahoy!


At this point of each episode, and pretty much this point only, I get to thinking it would be pretty neat to live in Newport.

At this point of each episode, and pretty much this point only, I get to thinking it would be pretty neat to live in Newport.


All Mad Men are created equal: Glenn Beck’s common sense

I’ll say this for cable news programs: they really know how to up the ante. Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart pricked the absurdity of the relentless and frequently meaningless 24 hour news cycle, but he couldn’t match Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly. Then Stewart launched protégé Stephen Colbert and his wicked parody of the rabble-rousing, self-satisfied conservative anchorman, and the game seemed over. How could you top a man who accused reality of having a well-known liberal bias?

Why, with Glenn Beck, of course! A year ago, Beck was… [read more]

Didn’t get around to linking to this one… Me at the USSC blog on Glenn Beck, “Mad Men” and American nostalgia.


Exhibit A in Why Nostalgia Is Stupid.
Yes, book. The Golden Age of Television was the 1950s. As opposed to today, when we have “Gossip Girl.”[1]
[1] I could have better convinced you high brow types by mentioning “The Wire,” “Sopranos,” “Mad Men,” “The Simpsons,” etc. but whatever. “Gossip Girl” is just as good a representation of why television is great today, and the past was a time when we weren’t as good at making TV because we didn’t know how to make TV.
via brokedownpalace, who says:

Spending actual money on this.
The Golden Age of Television
Synopsis
The hugely popular live American television plays of the 1950s have become the stuff of legend. Combining elements of theater, radio, and filmmaking, they were produced at a moment when TV technology was growing more mobile and art was being made accessible to a newly suburban postwar demographic. These astonishingly choreographed, brilliantly acted, and socially progressive “teleplays” constituted an artistic high for the medium, bringing Broadway-quality drama to all of America. The award-winning programs included in this box set—originally curated for PBS in the early 1980s as the series The Golden Age of Television, featuring recollections from key cast and crew members—were conceived by such up-and-comers as Rod Serling and John Frankenheimer and star the likes of Paul Newman, Mickey Rooney, Rod Steiger, Julie Harris, and Piper Laurie.

Exhibit A in Why Nostalgia Is Stupid.

Yes, book. The Golden Age of Television was the 1950s. As opposed to today, when we have “Gossip Girl.”[1]

[1] I could have better convinced you high brow types by mentioning “The Wire,” “Sopranos,” “Mad Men,” “The Simpsons,” etc. but whatever. “Gossip Girl” is just as good a representation of why television is great today, and the past was a time when we weren’t as good at making TV because we didn’t know how to make TV.

via brokedownpalace, who says:

Spending actual money on this.

The Golden Age of Television

Synopsis

The hugely popular live American television plays of the 1950s have become the stuff of legend. Combining elements of theater, radio, and filmmaking, they were produced at a moment when TV technology was growing more mobile and art was being made accessible to a newly suburban postwar demographic. These astonishingly choreographed, brilliantly acted, and socially progressive “teleplays” constituted an artistic high for the medium, bringing Broadway-quality drama to all of America. The award-winning programs included in this box set—originally curated for PBS in the early 1980s as the series The Golden Age of Television, featuring recollections from key cast and crew members—were conceived by such up-and-comers as Rod Serling and John Frankenheimer and star the likes of Paul Newman, Mickey Rooney, Rod Steiger, Julie Harris, and Piper Laurie.


Samantha Samuels’s T.R.A.A.A.P.D. PSA

God I love Taylor Swift. This is from her SNL show, so I doubt it will stay up long. Enjoy it while you can; I’d embed the Hulu, but that Australians aren’t allowed to use that.

(One thing clear from the show: Taylor is much better at playing younger than older, and much better at playing cute than sexy.)


Taylor Swift - The Monologue Song (La La La)

More Taylor on SNL.


You know what I was wondering

It’s necessary for each and every one of you to read this. John Cabrera a.k.a. Brian from Hep Alien on “Gilmore Girls” muses on whether Skid Row exists in the world of Gilmore:

ahahannah:

In the episodes of Gilmore Girls, where Hep Alien is auditioning for new guitarists and out of the blue Sebastian Bach comes in and they’re weirded out because he’s old, but they let him in the band because Laine feels bad for him, in that world…did Skid Row exist? I mean, every other band existed? And, I mean, he isn’t just some guy from some unknown band. I mean, someone line David Bazan (first name that popped in my head, dunno why) came on and was like a really good folk singer (should’ve picked a better name, but bear with me) no one would know any better. But Sebastian Bach isn’t unknown. People recognize him, my mom did.
I don’t know. That’s always funny to me, in TV shows, how pop culture exists even though they are inside of it.
I don’t know why I’m talking about this. It’s stupid.
Also though, on another episode, where the guys & Laine are talking about ”guilty pleasures” music, Laine says Simon and Garfunkel, most musically conscious people I know really LIKE Simon & Garfunkel in a totally unironic, guilty way.

I may just hang out with folkies though.

I’m stopping now, thinking too far into television. I’ll just go back to watching TV now.

I always thought of it like this (and I did ponder this a lot while working on the show)… yes, Skid Row did exist in the world of Gilmore Girls. And so Sebastian Bach also existed. Which means the character of Gil looks exactly like Sebastian Bach.

So why has no one in the band made that connection?

Well why has no one in the band made the connection that Sophie looks a hell of a lot like Carole King? Or the Troubador like Grant-Lee Phillips (well actually we weren’t in any scenes with him, but you know what I mean). Maybe it’s that sometimes we overlook the obvious. That we’re so focused on our Rock and Roll or the drama in our relationships that we just can’t see these special things staring us right in the face.

But I think the big question is… why does Gil look exactly like Sebastian Bach? Why does he talk about having had a band once that didn’t work out… how does he just happen to have an “in” at CBGBs for a little teenage garage band? And why is it that his name just happen to be the first three letters of the show itself?

I think the character of Gil is more of a mystery than it seems on the surface. In fact, I think all of these musical characters have a magic to them that lives outside of reality.

Which is kind of cool. I don’t know.


Fact.

Fact.


aceterrier helpfully smacks down my lack of reading comprehension:

Book? 1950s? Did you read the description you quoted?
The only thing worse than dewey-eyed nostalgia is knee-jerk dismissals of the past based on hasty, unreflective assumptions.

Screw Rock ‘n’ Roll would like to apologize for this error. Usually my wild fulminations are based on something vaguely connected with reality.
Also… I really don’t know how I missed the words “Criterion Collection.” Major fail on this one.
(I am still opposed to anything that combines the words “Golden Age of Television” with old-timey black and white pictures, but we’ll let that slide.)

aceterrier helpfully smacks down my lack of reading comprehension:

Book? 1950s? Did you read the description you quoted?

The only thing worse than dewey-eyed nostalgia is knee-jerk dismissals of the past based on hasty, unreflective assumptions.

Screw Rock ‘n’ Roll would like to apologize for this error. Usually my wild fulminations are based on something vaguely connected with reality.

Also… I really don’t know how I missed the words “Criterion Collection.” Major fail on this one.

(I am still opposed to anything that combines the words “Golden Age of Television” with old-timey black and white pictures, but we’ll let that slide.)


So this is the solution to Philip J. Fry's famed lament, “Why couldn't she have been the other kind of mermaid, with the fish part on top and the lady part on the bottom?”
And… it seems Wikipedia has a page devoted to the so-called Mermaid Problem:

If the mermaid were biologically a fish below the waist, theoretically they would reproduce as most fish do, by external fertilization, requiring a human male to deposit his seed underwater onto her eggs. (The confusion is further compounded by the fact that mermaids are usually depicted with a navel and breasts,[2] which would suggest placental vivipary rather than ovipary.) However, this situation is sometimes rectified by portraying mermaids as having genitalia more similar to dolphins than fish. Since most mermaid sightings observe that the mermaid has a human upper body, complete with breasts, and a navel, we must therefore assume that the mermaid is in fact a mammal. The “fish” part below the navel must then be more akin to that of a dolphin, with the sexual organs being similar to that of a dolphin. The female dolphin has one slit in its lower belly, which contains both the anus and the vagina. Hence, making mermaid-human sex (as depicted in many myths, legends, and stories,) perfectly biologically possible.

(pic via gunstreetgirl, silentsigh, …etc)

So this is the solution to Philip J. Fry's famed lament, “Why couldn't she have been the other kind of mermaid, with the fish part on top and the lady part on the bottom?”

And… it seems Wikipedia has a page devoted to the so-called Mermaid Problem:

If the mermaid were biologically a fish below the waist, theoretically they would reproduce as most fish do, by external fertilization, requiring a human male to deposit his seed underwater onto her eggs. (The confusion is further compounded by the fact that mermaids are usually depicted with a navel and breasts,[2] which would suggest placental vivipary rather than ovipary.) However, this situation is sometimes rectified by portraying mermaids as having genitalia more similar to dolphins than fish. Since most mermaid sightings observe that the mermaid has a human upper body, complete with breasts, and a navel, we must therefore assume that the mermaid is in fact a mammal. The “fish” part below the navel must then be more akin to that of a dolphin, with the sexual organs being similar to that of a dolphin. The female dolphin has one slit in its lower belly, which contains both the anus and the vagina. Hence, making mermaid-human sex (as depicted in many myths, legends, and stories,) perfectly biologically possible.

(pic via gunstreetgirlsilentsigh…etc)



1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10