Top Ten Things About Katy Perry’s Video for “California Gurls”
01. I’ve already said I love “California Gurls” for the way it engages with popular mythological representations of California, so I’m disappointed the video ignores all that and does some weird shit in the Land of Chocolate.
02. Perry touches some snakes and then all of a sudden she’s naked. I wish I were thirteen so I’d have a chance to reveal to someone what this really means.
03. Having just a brother, I’d only received second hand information about where girls come from. I’d been told they were birthed from women, or possibly delivered by storks, but I’m thankful to ”California Gurls” for informing me that girls actually are produced fully formed in hermetically sealed packaging, waiting for a savior to release them into their proper state of vibrant innocent vitality.
04. Girl Scouts are sexy and will eat you alive.
05. Snoop “Murder Was the Case” Dogg is threatening because he leads an army of Gummi Bears characterized by a fondness for rude gestures.
06. Katy Perry’s breasts have a bizarre anatomical idiosyncrasy that allow them to be connected to whipped cream dispensers. This renders Perry’s breast milk, in whipped form, lethal to Gummi Bears and incapacitating to Snoop Doggs.
07. I’d never been attracted to Perry before this video, but um.
08. As Sean Fennessey pointed out:
[Producer Dr.] Luke seems to be attracted to strong women who are also self-effacing goofballs … When she emerged, Perry seemed to embody the body-as-weapon ideology, acting pouty and dressing scandalously (if still goofily) while singing about kissing girls. But with Luke’s guidance, Perry’s sexiness began to play as mostly a ruse, as plastic as the inflatable fruit that checkered the stage during her live performances. Her biggest hits are post-sex. She’s since emerged as the goofiest of the bunch—the truest product of a svengali who prizes personality over provocation— a fact confirmed by her recent choice of beau, the self-involved British comedian Russell Brand.
Look at the way Perry lolls coquettishly across the cloud, a determined performer of poised female sexuality except, oh, oops, the cloud turned out to be made of cotton candy and she just had to eat some of it. Oops. How silly of her.
09. When Snoop’s incapacitated, his captors bury him up to his neck in sherbet or something and turn him into David Lee Roth. This is different to Snoop’s prior state because he’s now buried up to his neck in sherbet.
10. This is probably better than whatever wins the Best Picture Oscar next year.
