You know, I expect, Taylor Swift’s single “Fifteen.” One thing you might know about is that it is About Teen Sex. The bit About Teen Sex is the following:
Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind.
You know it’s About Teen Sex because Swift says “Abigail gave everything she had” and that means she had sex. See, look what Taylor has to say on the subject:
"Fifteen" talks about how my best friend, Abigail, got her heart broken when we were in ninth grade and singing about that absolutely gets me every time.
Totally About Teen Sex.
I didn’t realize “Fifteen” was About Teen Sex the first time I heard it. I thought Abigail was just very committed to her relationship in an undefined way her boyfriend proved not to be. I didn’t actually realize it was About Teen Sex until Swift released the song as a single and other people began talking about it. It came up a bit when we reviewed it at the Jukebox, and also when I saw Sady Doyle expertly analyzed the song in Bitch Magazine:
Meanwhile, “Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind.” Meaning, I think, that she fucked him. And they broke up. (Unless she literally gave him all of her possessions, like, in garbage bags or something? Because that WOULD be a bad decision. What is your boyfriend going to do with a canopy bed and several Jonas Brothers posters?) And this was a TRAGEDY, really, SO MUCH WORSE than having an appropriately asexual relationship and breaking up anyway. (I’ve heard this can happen!) But fundamentally it was avoidable, because it was her (bad, tragic, awful) choice to have sex, and this has of course resulted in her not being a pop star like Taylor. Teen Girls of America, here are your choices: have sex and wind up broken and sad and feeling as if you’ve lost “everything you had,” or wait until your untouched vagina accumulates enough charge to make you rich and famous.
Sady Doyle’s pretty smart!
Anyways, once I found out that “giving everything [one] has” means to have sex, I thought I should check out other pop songs to see which ones were secretly About Teen Sex. Look what I found!
I’m giving up on love, cause love’s given up on me.
I gave it everything I had and everything I got was bad.
That’s Miranda Lambert in her song “Kerosene.” She clearly means she had sex. Possibly bad sex?
Not convinced? How about one time teen-pop sensation JoJo?
Because my heart is breakin’, with every word I’m sayin’
I gave up everything I had, on something that just wouldn’t last
This means thirteen year old JoJo was having sex. (Similarly, in “Too Little, Too Late,” JoJo says, “I gave you everything but it wasn’t enough,” which means she couldn’t have sex often enough. Possibly due to a lack of Lady Viagra?)
This is fail-safe. Look at Usher’s divorce song “Papers”:
I can’t deny how much I love you, I done gave up everything I had to.
He means he had to have sex.
Just like Jeff Mangum does in Neutral Milk Hotel’s “You’ve Passed,” a song seemingly about someone dying:
I wanted to know you, before you started to fade.
But I gave everything to a lie and a farce and a fake
This means he had sex with a lie, a farce, and a fake. Possibly it was a foursome?
How about some Jonas Brothers song called “Turn Right”?
I did all I could, and I gave everything.
That means the Jonases had sex. Maybe with Taylor Swift.
Punk band The Descendents also had sex, in their song “She Don’t Care.” After singing about making his girlfriend coffee, singer Milo Aukerman says:
We talk around it and never got nowhere
I gave her everything I got, and she don’t care
SEX. SEX SHE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT.
Taylor Swift wanted to write a song about how her friend Abigail was a slut. Obviously.