Because there has been some sports thing on, I have been forced to think about sports a lot lately. And my conclusion is that sports are mostly shit, but there are ways to make them less shit.
- Track events should be of random length. Like, OK, everyone lines up at the starting blocks, and only then do they reveal how long the race is going to be. Could be anywhere between 100m and 42km. ENTERTAINMENT.
- In swimming relays, for some reason the athletes get out of passing a baton. This should change.
- Also, you know how in track races the runners all run around in a big circle, but swimmers have to go back and forward? Swimmers should have to swim in a big circular pool.
- For pentathlon, apply the same chance element as with my suggestion for track. At the beginning of the event they announce five random Olympic events that will form the basis of this year’s pentathlon. For instance: Judo, trampolining, pole vault, steeplechase, and 400m hurdling. QUITE GOOD.
- Not an Olympic sport, and many of you may have heard me say this before, but the rule in AFL where if the ball goes out, umpires throw it back in over their heads? That is so dumb. It’s like something kids would come up with if they were playing a pick-up game. FFS, this is a professional sport. The solution is clear: fire the ball back into play with a cannon.
- In freestyle swimming, the swimmers have to dive into the pool at the start of the race. In backstroke, they get to start already inside the water. How does that make sense? Backstrokers should have to dive in backwards at the beginning of the race.
- Soccer should have a half court rule the way basketball does.
- This one is based on the one time I went to an AFL game and the stands were being renovated, but I think AFL would be way more entertaining if, at half time, they permitted bulldozers to come on the field and participate in the remainder of the game.
- Gymnasts should be judged partially on the basis of the stuff they can do but also partly on how good their costumes are. They have to compete in their national colors, but they should get some designers working on making those colors look as stylish as possible. (n.b. bonus points for sparkles.)
- EVERYTHING ABOUT BIKE RACING IS DUMB. TEAMS ARE STUPID AND SO ARE PELETONS. YOU SHOULD GET ON A BIKE AND RIDE IT FASTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. THE END.