Some things about The Dark Knight Rises

Spoilers after the jump.

  • Jesus Christ, nothing in this movie makes any fucking sense.
  • We open in Gotham City on Harvey Dent Day, which I expect the DC universe’s version of Sufjan Stevens will write a song about some day. (It will be about going to church, having confusing memories of his grandmother, and Abraham Lincoln.)
  • It’s also eight years after the end of The Dark Knight, and in the interim Gotham City has turned from Chicago into New York without anyone noticing.
  • Joseph Gordon Levitt shows up! His original plan is to inception Bruce Wayne so that he can steal the Batmobile, but then he decides he should be Robin, without doing anything cool like actually being Robin.
  • (This marks the first occasion anyone older than five has referred to being Robin as something cool.)
  • Actually, at the end the film acknowledges the whole Robin thing by revealing that it is JGL’s SECRET REAL NAME, like it was a big twist, even though it was obvious the whole damn time and it was just annoying that JGL wouldn’t put on tights and a stupid cape.
  • There’s a College Humor short in which practically everyone knows that Batman is really Bruce Wayne. This movie was like that. I’m surprised Wayne even bothered to maintain the charade.
  • Gary Oldman gets hospitalized early in the movie and his job for the rest of the film is to look worried. He earns his pay.
  • OMG Catwoman. Catwoman was so awesome. She pretended to be a maid and steals Mommy Wayne’s pearls and then when Bruce gets all pissy, she doesn’t give them back, she just rides off in his Lambo. And steals his fingerprints and tells him off for being a whiny rich boy. And then she got a ride in the Batmobile and rode that Batbike thing. Which she totally deserved to do, by the way.
  • But I have no idea why Catwoman would have any romantic interest in Bruce Wayne. She’s a bad bitch and all he ever does when she’s around is be stand-offish and lecturing.
  • The dumbest Catwoman part is that even though she gets the jump on Batman the entire movie, even up to the point of saving him from the villain, Bane Not-Capital, as soon as Gotham is in trouble, Batman starts telling her what she needs to do. Like, shouldn’t she be all “Hey STFU Bruce Wayne, you can’t do shit, I’m going to steal your golf clubs and get out of here”?
  • Also Catwoman has a sidekick who is there for no reason and then disappears about half way through the film.
  • Oh, let’s talk some more about Bane Not-Capital. He’s a big shaved bear of a dude with a plummy accent and a face that’s like a combination of Dr. Zoidberg and a robot. He starts off the movie by blowing up Tommy Carcetti’s plane for some reason — perhaps he thinks Baltimore was let down — and somehow manages to amass an enormous suicidal army that is willing to kill themselves in a nuclear murder-suicide attack on their own country even though their boss kills them at a drop of a hat. Maybe because they’re communists? Who knew America was hiding so many communists waiting to follow a guy with a bit of metal on his face?
  • Oh yeah, it turns out that the Occupy Wall Street people are evil and bloodthirsty, and when Bane Not-Capital takes over Gotham they set up a Lord of the Flies society with show trials and execution by ice?
  • That bit’s pretty weird, actually. Apparently Gotham is so communisty that as soon as one supervillain takes over and tells them that stock traders are bad, a large majority of the city shrugs their shoulders, gives up on American democracy, and starts rounding up anyone wearing a banker’s collar?
  • Oh, god, and the way Bane Not-Capital took over Gotham was he stole a nuclear fusion bomb that Wayne Enterprises was developing. Only Wayne was building it so it could be a source of unlimited clean energy, but Batman was like “no, clean energy is too dangerous for humanity, plus global warming isn’t real someone could turn this futuristic energy supply into a bomb!” I mean, if Bane Not-Capital had only had a regular bomb, would the police have shrugged and said, “K, we don’t care if Manhattan Gotham gets nuked because it’s not with a fancy sci-fi bomb, just a regular one?
  • Also, lol, when Bane Not-Capital takes over a football game and blows up half the city, no one cares, but when he says he has a nuke, the police are all “get the president on the phone!”
  • And that president turned out to be some old white guy! What world does Batman live in?
  • The truth is that Batman is a pretty dull character and Bruce Wayne is really fucking boring. The Dark Knight was great because Heath Ledger played such a compelling villain, demonstrating that the way you make a Batman movie work is to minimize Batman’s screen time and have an absorbing villain. Bane Not-Capital isn’t very interesting, particularly considering he spend his time talking about some Raoul guy who wasn’t even interesting in the first movie, and The Dark Knight Rises spends far too much time showing Bruce Wayne being pouty. I mean, for chrissake, at least put him on a boat full of Russian ballerinas if you’re not going to have him wearing his stupid suit.
  • Also that Raoul guy had a daughter and it turns out she grew up to be a woman in the movie who had no other reason to exist except to have sex with Bruce? This entire subplot was stupid and I tried to ignore it.
  • When I got out of the cinema, I went into the men’s room, along with a whole lot of other moviegoers, and it was a bit like being in The Dark Knight Rises. There might have been two prominent women supporting characters in the film, but other than that, pretty much everyone on screen at all times was a man (or, in the case of the innocent child orphan children, a boy) and it was so boring. It wasn’t quite at Fight Club–levels of weirdness, but it was getting there.
  • Doesn’t matter though; Catwoman is far more interesting a character than Joss “Look At Me Being Feministy” Whedon’s Black Widow.
  • Oh and what was with the prison pit? Who’s running that thing? And why do they give the prisoners so much food that after a few months down there Bruce Wayne is not only healed from his debilitating injuries, he has had good enough nutrition to bulk himself up to Bat-strength again?
  • Is Bruce Wayne’s body actually magical? Was his limp seriously cured with just a knee brace? And what about how that doctor who told him “dude, you have no cartilage in your joints and your body’s fucked, I wouldn’t be Batman if I were you?”
  • All this might prompt you to ask Ian Mathers’s question. And if you are asking that, look at my answer.
  • No but freal this was a pretty terrible movie.